Sunday Shopping

Women old enough to be my grandmother should not wear distressed capri length jeans with platform flip-flops. Even if she is a size 4.

Women old enough to be my great-grandmother should not wear scraggly, uncombed, not-quite-dreadlocks, no-color hair down to their butts.

When walking across the parking lot, please cross the driving lanes in a manner perpendicular to the direction of travel of the vehicle, not diagonal. It may be more efficient to your mind, but it increases my desire to run you over exponentially.

If I am standing in line to check out and you need to cut through my line to get to something on the other side of me, please say 'excuse me' and 'thank-you', moron.

I should not let out yelps and clutch my seat when other drivers behave in a manner of which I have not approved if I am not driving.

I should not persist in giving directions when it is clear that they fall on deaf ears ( just kidding, BB!!).

Do not sling 500 pounds of crushed limestone around the backyard before going shopping.

Do not go to Sam's Club and, just for the heck of it, throw a pillow-top mattress on the floor for a test lay and then attempt to get up with any dignity after slinging 500 pounds of crushed limestone around the backyard.

Take the ibuprofen before you go shopping.

Ditto for the heat wrap. (Are they the next best thing since sliced bread, or what???)

Now, who is going to come over here and get me off the couch?